So with the intensity of the election, the hurricane, my last intense blog post about Human Trafficking, and the quickly approaching holiday's, I feel it's time for some humor. This blog post isn't really relevant and there is no topic other than to make you laugh! Jokes and true stories to give a lift to your day! ENJOY!
A Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel around his man stuff. Bar tender goes, "What's with the wheel?" Pirate goes, "YAR! It's driving me nuts!"
My mom made me tell that to my 70 something year old grandfather and he really cracked up!
What do you get when you cross a Dyslexic, an Agnostic (Someone who questions whether there is a God), and an Insomniac? A Person who stays awake at night wondering if there really is a Dog.
What do you call a blonde in a freezer? A Frosted Flake.
True story, I caught my kid eating the tips off of her jumbo crayons the other day. When I ran over to get the piece she just bit out of her mouth, which was yellow, some green and some blue came out too. After putting the crayons away, I noticed bite marks on all the tips. Yep, I'm raising a genius! Brightest crayon in the box you might say!!
To protest some new rules my dog has been eating WHOLE brand new boxes of tissues. He's eaten about 5 or 6 boxes now and is still pooping out Puff's.
I'm not really sure how I've gone 28 years and never worn Yoga pants til now. BEST $15 I have ever spent in my entire life. And now I know what I'm wearin for Thanksgiving! Pants I'm Thankful for!
My dad and his siblings knew a kid growing up that they called "Richie the pushing boy". I honestly can't even type that with out laughing. He was playing with matches and started a pile of dry leaves on fire at my grandparents old house, which my Aunt, and dad's youngest sister, subsequently tried to put out with more dry leaves.
Once when I was in third or fourth grade, I was in gym class and I had to go potty REAL bad. (Number 1 in case you're wondering - NOSY!) And we were getting measured. Well I wasn't thinking things through and thought I could wait until after I got measured to ask to go. Hello Ding Dong! My maiden name ALSO starts with M, and we went alphabetical. So by the time it was my turn I was practically bent over with my tiny bladder bursting. I stood there waiting for my teacher to hurry and take my measurement. I was wearing a plastic headband that day, and he thought the tapping of the ruler on my headband was the funniest thing since Johnny Carson and spent, what felt like 10 minutes, tapping my dang heandband and laughing til I literally wet my pants and ran off to the restroom. I had to go to the office and get new non wet clothes to spend the rest of the day. Thanks Mr. Ray. Thanks so much.
Once when my kiddo was about 3 months old, she sneezed and out popped the BIGGEST booger I've ever seen right on her face. Instead of being a kind mommy I laughed my head off and made her wait til I got a decent picture of it before wiping it off.
Sometimes when my dog sees himself in a reflective surface like our fireplace doors or a dishwasher, he thinks it's another dog and starts going bananas. He'll even try to walk around to see where the other dog is but then come back and keep barking.
Once my husband and I spent New Years up at my grandparents place in Michigan. My mom's sister, my Aunt bought those of us of age in the family peppermint shot glasses. So naturally after we had gone home from the party with my grandparents friends (Which was one of the best parties I've ever been to with a bunch of 70 and 80 year old's by the way) I suggested we do some peppermint patties. It's a shot of peppermint schnapp's and then you squirt some hershey's syrup in your mouth, then shake your head. (Or opposite order depending on how frisky you're feeling.) The shots were a hit and my whole family did at least one, including my 70+ year old grandparents. After having had a couple, Jay said he was done and my grandmother called him a wuss. After being called out naturally he had to oblige. Best. Night. Ever.
Last joke. Three boys were out fishing after a huge storm. They stumble upon former President Bill Clinton clinging to his life jacket. The boys pull him aboard. "Thank you so much boys, I was thrown over board in the storm! Thank you for saving my life. Since you saved me I'll give you anything you want just name it." First kid says "Okay I want a million bucks!" Bill pulls out his checkbook cuts the kid a check for a million. Second kid thinks and says, "I want to go to West Point!" Clinton says "Okay as soon as you're old enough, I'll make certain that you are automatically accepted to West Point." Third kid thinks for even longer. Then he finally says "I want a spot in Arlington National Cemetery." Bill looks at him funny, what's a young kid want with that?? He goes "Why?" Kid says "When my dad finds out I saved Bill Clinton's life he's gonna kill me!"
(Feel free to retell this joke inserting any President. I learned it when Clinton was in office and it won a radio contest once!)
Hope you were able to find some humor and laugh a little! Enjoy your day and feel free to share the jokes and spread the smiles! You know people who laugh live longer!
A Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel around his man stuff. Bar tender goes, "What's with the wheel?" Pirate goes, "YAR! It's driving me nuts!"
My mom made me tell that to my 70 something year old grandfather and he really cracked up!
What do you get when you cross a Dyslexic, an Agnostic (Someone who questions whether there is a God), and an Insomniac? A Person who stays awake at night wondering if there really is a Dog.
What do you call a blonde in a freezer? A Frosted Flake.
True story, I caught my kid eating the tips off of her jumbo crayons the other day. When I ran over to get the piece she just bit out of her mouth, which was yellow, some green and some blue came out too. After putting the crayons away, I noticed bite marks on all the tips. Yep, I'm raising a genius! Brightest crayon in the box you might say!!
To protest some new rules my dog has been eating WHOLE brand new boxes of tissues. He's eaten about 5 or 6 boxes now and is still pooping out Puff's.
I'm not really sure how I've gone 28 years and never worn Yoga pants til now. BEST $15 I have ever spent in my entire life. And now I know what I'm wearin for Thanksgiving! Pants I'm Thankful for!
My dad and his siblings knew a kid growing up that they called "Richie the pushing boy". I honestly can't even type that with out laughing. He was playing with matches and started a pile of dry leaves on fire at my grandparents old house, which my Aunt, and dad's youngest sister, subsequently tried to put out with more dry leaves.
Once when I was in third or fourth grade, I was in gym class and I had to go potty REAL bad. (Number 1 in case you're wondering - NOSY!) And we were getting measured. Well I wasn't thinking things through and thought I could wait until after I got measured to ask to go. Hello Ding Dong! My maiden name ALSO starts with M, and we went alphabetical. So by the time it was my turn I was practically bent over with my tiny bladder bursting. I stood there waiting for my teacher to hurry and take my measurement. I was wearing a plastic headband that day, and he thought the tapping of the ruler on my headband was the funniest thing since Johnny Carson and spent, what felt like 10 minutes, tapping my dang heandband and laughing til I literally wet my pants and ran off to the restroom. I had to go to the office and get new non wet clothes to spend the rest of the day. Thanks Mr. Ray. Thanks so much.
Once when my kiddo was about 3 months old, she sneezed and out popped the BIGGEST booger I've ever seen right on her face. Instead of being a kind mommy I laughed my head off and made her wait til I got a decent picture of it before wiping it off.
Sometimes when my dog sees himself in a reflective surface like our fireplace doors or a dishwasher, he thinks it's another dog and starts going bananas. He'll even try to walk around to see where the other dog is but then come back and keep barking.
Once my husband and I spent New Years up at my grandparents place in Michigan. My mom's sister, my Aunt bought those of us of age in the family peppermint shot glasses. So naturally after we had gone home from the party with my grandparents friends (Which was one of the best parties I've ever been to with a bunch of 70 and 80 year old's by the way) I suggested we do some peppermint patties. It's a shot of peppermint schnapp's and then you squirt some hershey's syrup in your mouth, then shake your head. (Or opposite order depending on how frisky you're feeling.) The shots were a hit and my whole family did at least one, including my 70+ year old grandparents. After having had a couple, Jay said he was done and my grandmother called him a wuss. After being called out naturally he had to oblige. Best. Night. Ever.
Last joke. Three boys were out fishing after a huge storm. They stumble upon former President Bill Clinton clinging to his life jacket. The boys pull him aboard. "Thank you so much boys, I was thrown over board in the storm! Thank you for saving my life. Since you saved me I'll give you anything you want just name it." First kid says "Okay I want a million bucks!" Bill pulls out his checkbook cuts the kid a check for a million. Second kid thinks and says, "I want to go to West Point!" Clinton says "Okay as soon as you're old enough, I'll make certain that you are automatically accepted to West Point." Third kid thinks for even longer. Then he finally says "I want a spot in Arlington National Cemetery." Bill looks at him funny, what's a young kid want with that?? He goes "Why?" Kid says "When my dad finds out I saved Bill Clinton's life he's gonna kill me!"
(Feel free to retell this joke inserting any President. I learned it when Clinton was in office and it won a radio contest once!)
Hope you were able to find some humor and laugh a little! Enjoy your day and feel free to share the jokes and spread the smiles! You know people who laugh live longer!
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