Christie ... where have you been?! I used to get excited about your posts and now they're coming fewer and further between! What gives?!
Good question(s) reader. I will answer them! A few things have been going on actually, first I got a job. Yep, besides blogging and pretending to take care of my house, I have a part time job that I'm really enjoying. The hours allow me to spend most of my time with my honey bunny at home, and make some decent money. It's the ideal situation for my life, and so far so good! Thanks for caring. Also, there is my heavy involvement in Anti Human Trafficking. Along with a part time job, full time mommy job, I am a part-time-but-wish-it-was/could-be-full-time Anti Human Trafficking combatant. With some very big, cool and exciting things in the works for that. But I have most importantly, been grieving. Grieving the loss to be of my grandfather.
Wait so he hasn't passed away yet? What is wrong with you?! Yeah you're right, that sounds weird everywhere but in my head. No my grandfather (my mom's dad) has not passed away yet, but he is in the final stages of his battle with cancer. It has been over a year and a half since symptoms of pancreatic cancer first made their appearance, a few months after that, my grandpa was diagnosed and the rest of my family found out about it. And the war is coming to an end for him.
First I need you to know my Grandpa. He is one of the toughest most independent people you'll ever meet. But also one of the sweetest. Growing up, and still now, I always thought there wasn't anything this man couldn't conquer. He is big, although very thin and weak now, his hands, until I met Dr J (aka Julius Irving) were the biggest I'd ever seen - and the hairiest!!! I've always known him to be bald on top, but shaved around the back and edges. Tall, and well built, he was always a physical specimen. Mostly because that's how my grandma kept him! They are such an adorable married couple. They've been together for 60+ years and have been madly in love with each other every step of the way. My Grandma has been by his side always, telling him what to do, how to dress, what to eat and when. It's really comical to think back on their lives together, but it leaves an open blank for the future. With my grandpa sick, my grandmother does not know what to do with herself. She can't see her life with out her love and most importantly can't see what she will do with herself! She has always been a care taker and now there is no one to care for.
Which brings me back. Grief. Something we all experience at some point or another. Whether it's a loved one we mourn, or even that first pet goldfish ... Goldie. (We all named them the same it's okay we weren't creative with that fish we got at that fair that one time that your parents didn't want that only lived for a week anyway.) We love and we lose. It's cyclical as with anything, there is birth and there is death. So how do we grieve? Why did you title this stupid thing Good Grief? Charlie Brown reference? I thought this was going to be funny!?! Yes, it is a Peanuts reference, we all, or most of us old people, remember Charlie Brown's classic catch phrase. But there is truth to it. There is literally good grief. I am in a place of mourning someone who hasn't yet gone, but it's because seeing him in pain, and not his burly handsome - hunting - fishing - building his entire house himself - Korean war veteran - snowmobile riding - self is beyond words. I just got to see him yesterday in the Hospice facility near my parents house, and we asked if he wanted to watch TV, or read or anything, and all he said in his frail voice was, "no, I just lie here and look around." Look around a room that resembles a hospital room. A private area with a decent view outdoors, but just lay awaiting the inevitable.
I experience frequent bouts where I am overcome with pain at these thoughts and just burst into tears. Case and point right now. The thought of the worlds most independent person, stuck in a bed, not wanting to die, or to be in this place, is beyond measure. Which is why I cry. I would give anything to take his place. Have the stamina and the energy to undergo the surgery and the treatments. All of which he didn't have. But alas it wasn't to be. So I cry. Because I love. And even though my husband thinks I'm a wet nut job, someone who clearly cries too much (I adamantly refuse to watch Marley and Me because I know the ending.) but I know it's important for me to cry. Especially now. (Okay maybe not so much regarding fictional characters, but whatever!) Everyone experiences pain and mourning and we each express that grief in different ways. There is no one right or wrong way to deal with loss.
I have been crying almost every night the last few weeks. Am I proud of it? No. But I will say that letting it out, and being able to be vulnerable can help in the healing process. I will never be ready to let my grandpa go. Ever. But the fact of the matter is it is easier to cry now, then hold out hope of a miraculous miracle recovery or maybe my daughter will get to grow up knowing him only to be let down. I feel that letting my emotions out, makes me human.
My husband is like an emotional machine. Probably why he's a mechanical engineer. (Get it? Machine, mechanical - okay guys it's not funny if I have to explain it!) He has one face and one emotion. Only. It weirds some people out - including me, but it's just who he is. He experiences things internally. (Probably why we're such a good fit because we're about as polar opposite as they come!) Where as I blubber in church hearing about what happens after we die and thinking about my so beloved grandfather. He's sittin over there stone faced goin, what a weirdo! (Not to mention my other grandfather and a beloved uncle who passed away years ago, but the pain is still there).
I've had so many people tell me I should have been a cheerleader. I'm loud, obnoxiously so, and usually seen with a gigantic - thanks mom and dad for the braces - smile. I've been told I'm bubbly, spunky, infectious, and all the other synonyms I can't think of for those words right now. But letting people see that I am not just one face is good for my relationships too. Grief can be a way to become closer to others.
Since my first grandpa passed, when I was in high school, I have tried (little by little) to be closer to my grandparents. When you're a kid you don't think about them dying, but the fact is it happens. And you're never prepared. So I tried, and stupid as I often was, to care about them and make sure they knew it. It pains me more than anything to think that ever a day go by where they don't know, I mean full tilt boogie KNOW that I love them more than words could express. I hope those who have passed before knew that, and I'm trying to let all those still here know how much I care. It somehow makes things easier, knowing that.
That's a part of my grieving process, feeling guilty and remorseful for not being better for them. I could have done more, what about this or that? But again, everyone is different. Some people lament in the thought that their loved one is in a better place, or at peace. Some need counseling. Some need therapy. Some, like me, just need a few hundred boxes of tissues. But no matter how one chooses or is able to grieve, it is extremely important to do so. Letting emotions stay bottled and giving them no chance to air is unhealthy in so many ways. Most importantly on a psychological level. Bottled emotions can damage relationships and cause serious problems in the future.
So when you experience loss, as we all do, let your emotions out. Know that it is healthy, normal, and perfectly acceptable. Your mind, body, heart, and spirit will thank you. And so will the one you love. To know that you care so deeply for them.
So as I continue on my grief journey, I try to remain strong, but remind myself it's okay to let go and let the tears flow. It's okay to be sad sometimes and express that sadness (in a healthy way! Turning grief to anger for long periods of time is not typical nor is it healthy and I would advise you to seek counsel from a medical professional.) So I thank you for caring about me and my blog, and know that I have several more posts planned for the future! But for now my focus will turn to being with my family. Showing support and care for those so close to my grandfather. Because even after death, life continutes.
Care completely, grieve deeply.
Good question(s) reader. I will answer them! A few things have been going on actually, first I got a job. Yep, besides blogging and pretending to take care of my house, I have a part time job that I'm really enjoying. The hours allow me to spend most of my time with my honey bunny at home, and make some decent money. It's the ideal situation for my life, and so far so good! Thanks for caring. Also, there is my heavy involvement in Anti Human Trafficking. Along with a part time job, full time mommy job, I am a part-time-but-wish-it-was/could-be-full-time Anti Human Trafficking combatant. With some very big, cool and exciting things in the works for that. But I have most importantly, been grieving. Grieving the loss to be of my grandfather.
Wait so he hasn't passed away yet? What is wrong with you?! Yeah you're right, that sounds weird everywhere but in my head. No my grandfather (my mom's dad) has not passed away yet, but he is in the final stages of his battle with cancer. It has been over a year and a half since symptoms of pancreatic cancer first made their appearance, a few months after that, my grandpa was diagnosed and the rest of my family found out about it. And the war is coming to an end for him.
First I need you to know my Grandpa. He is one of the toughest most independent people you'll ever meet. But also one of the sweetest. Growing up, and still now, I always thought there wasn't anything this man couldn't conquer. He is big, although very thin and weak now, his hands, until I met Dr J (aka Julius Irving) were the biggest I'd ever seen - and the hairiest!!! I've always known him to be bald on top, but shaved around the back and edges. Tall, and well built, he was always a physical specimen. Mostly because that's how my grandma kept him! They are such an adorable married couple. They've been together for 60+ years and have been madly in love with each other every step of the way. My Grandma has been by his side always, telling him what to do, how to dress, what to eat and when. It's really comical to think back on their lives together, but it leaves an open blank for the future. With my grandpa sick, my grandmother does not know what to do with herself. She can't see her life with out her love and most importantly can't see what she will do with herself! She has always been a care taker and now there is no one to care for.
Which brings me back. Grief. Something we all experience at some point or another. Whether it's a loved one we mourn, or even that first pet goldfish ... Goldie. (We all named them the same it's okay we weren't creative with that fish we got at that fair that one time that your parents didn't want that only lived for a week anyway.) We love and we lose. It's cyclical as with anything, there is birth and there is death. So how do we grieve? Why did you title this stupid thing Good Grief? Charlie Brown reference? I thought this was going to be funny!?! Yes, it is a Peanuts reference, we all, or most of us old people, remember Charlie Brown's classic catch phrase. But there is truth to it. There is literally good grief. I am in a place of mourning someone who hasn't yet gone, but it's because seeing him in pain, and not his burly handsome - hunting - fishing - building his entire house himself - Korean war veteran - snowmobile riding - self is beyond words. I just got to see him yesterday in the Hospice facility near my parents house, and we asked if he wanted to watch TV, or read or anything, and all he said in his frail voice was, "no, I just lie here and look around." Look around a room that resembles a hospital room. A private area with a decent view outdoors, but just lay awaiting the inevitable.
I experience frequent bouts where I am overcome with pain at these thoughts and just burst into tears. Case and point right now. The thought of the worlds most independent person, stuck in a bed, not wanting to die, or to be in this place, is beyond measure. Which is why I cry. I would give anything to take his place. Have the stamina and the energy to undergo the surgery and the treatments. All of which he didn't have. But alas it wasn't to be. So I cry. Because I love. And even though my husband thinks I'm a wet nut job, someone who clearly cries too much (I adamantly refuse to watch Marley and Me because I know the ending.) but I know it's important for me to cry. Especially now. (Okay maybe not so much regarding fictional characters, but whatever!) Everyone experiences pain and mourning and we each express that grief in different ways. There is no one right or wrong way to deal with loss.
I have been crying almost every night the last few weeks. Am I proud of it? No. But I will say that letting it out, and being able to be vulnerable can help in the healing process. I will never be ready to let my grandpa go. Ever. But the fact of the matter is it is easier to cry now, then hold out hope of a miraculous miracle recovery or maybe my daughter will get to grow up knowing him only to be let down. I feel that letting my emotions out, makes me human.
My husband is like an emotional machine. Probably why he's a mechanical engineer. (Get it? Machine, mechanical - okay guys it's not funny if I have to explain it!) He has one face and one emotion. Only. It weirds some people out - including me, but it's just who he is. He experiences things internally. (Probably why we're such a good fit because we're about as polar opposite as they come!) Where as I blubber in church hearing about what happens after we die and thinking about my so beloved grandfather. He's sittin over there stone faced goin, what a weirdo! (Not to mention my other grandfather and a beloved uncle who passed away years ago, but the pain is still there).
I've had so many people tell me I should have been a cheerleader. I'm loud, obnoxiously so, and usually seen with a gigantic - thanks mom and dad for the braces - smile. I've been told I'm bubbly, spunky, infectious, and all the other synonyms I can't think of for those words right now. But letting people see that I am not just one face is good for my relationships too. Grief can be a way to become closer to others.
Since my first grandpa passed, when I was in high school, I have tried (little by little) to be closer to my grandparents. When you're a kid you don't think about them dying, but the fact is it happens. And you're never prepared. So I tried, and stupid as I often was, to care about them and make sure they knew it. It pains me more than anything to think that ever a day go by where they don't know, I mean full tilt boogie KNOW that I love them more than words could express. I hope those who have passed before knew that, and I'm trying to let all those still here know how much I care. It somehow makes things easier, knowing that.
That's a part of my grieving process, feeling guilty and remorseful for not being better for them. I could have done more, what about this or that? But again, everyone is different. Some people lament in the thought that their loved one is in a better place, or at peace. Some need counseling. Some need therapy. Some, like me, just need a few hundred boxes of tissues. But no matter how one chooses or is able to grieve, it is extremely important to do so. Letting emotions stay bottled and giving them no chance to air is unhealthy in so many ways. Most importantly on a psychological level. Bottled emotions can damage relationships and cause serious problems in the future.
So when you experience loss, as we all do, let your emotions out. Know that it is healthy, normal, and perfectly acceptable. Your mind, body, heart, and spirit will thank you. And so will the one you love. To know that you care so deeply for them.
So as I continue on my grief journey, I try to remain strong, but remind myself it's okay to let go and let the tears flow. It's okay to be sad sometimes and express that sadness (in a healthy way! Turning grief to anger for long periods of time is not typical nor is it healthy and I would advise you to seek counsel from a medical professional.) So I thank you for caring about me and my blog, and know that I have several more posts planned for the future! But for now my focus will turn to being with my family. Showing support and care for those so close to my grandfather. Because even after death, life continutes.
Care completely, grieve deeply.
Awwww C!! I'm so sorry to hear your grandpa isnt doing very well!! Im always here if you need me! Call me anytime!
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